I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
