Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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