remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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