I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
