I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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