Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
