I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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