Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
