I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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