Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
