genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
