i already hear my dad disowning me
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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