true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
