if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
