the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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