if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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