apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize