At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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