I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
