Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
as a side note pls kill me
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
