We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
