I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
