We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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