just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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