Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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