I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
