If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
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We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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