i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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