So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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