We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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