My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
