I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
