I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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