Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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