I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Randomize
