Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
