i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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