Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
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Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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