Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
