This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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