I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
