Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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