I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
