i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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