She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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