I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
