It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
