You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
