I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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