I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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