I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
