I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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