i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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