If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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