and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
