I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
