YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
