somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
