if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
